People usually say, "You get what you give." I believe it's the opposite.
What is trauma? It is the damage we've received from others without protection. I received hate growing up. I received dismissiveness, seclusion, invalidation, and so on. I can't say I gave all of those, but I can say I gave some.
Part of therapy is looking at how you interact with others. What do you give them? I had to come to terms with the hurt I was giving others, most notably my wife. As much as I hated my mom for the abuse she gave me, I had to acknowledge the abuse I was giving others.
I was given something growing up, and that's what I knew. I knew how to demean, I knew how to invalidate, I knew how to control. What's worse, I was told that is love, so that is how I "loved" her. She didn't deserve it.
It's a shitty feeling realizing you're guilty of the same hurt you've judged others for. I was not exempt, I needed to stop acting like I was. What was the solution?
Please refer back to Pt.13.
You give what you get. One of the biggest benefits of loving myself unconditionally was the fact that I immediately gave that love to others. You made a mistake? That's okay, you're doing your best. You're struggling right now? That's okay, you're going through a lot. You're upset? You have every reason to be upset.
I couldn't give anything to myself without then giving it to others. It just didn't feel right. If I deserve this unconditional love and consideration, others do too. There's no way I can just keep it to myself.
So I continued to give to myself and find the love I needed for myself. Then I gave it to others. And it turns out, people like it when you treat them lovingly. Who would have thought?
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