The first time I became conscious of grief was when my dad passed away.
That was a major loss for me. I remember feeling just miserable, sad, depressed. But I also remember allowing myself to feel whatever I needed to. To be honest, I feel I moved through that grief fairly gracefully. A good piece of advice I received during that time was from a colleague of mine. He said, "There is a hole in your heart right now. And people will tell you it heals with time. But the reality is it never does." I appreciated that. Loss is exactly that, loss.
What I wasn't prepared for though was the loss experienced when asking for your space from a narcissist. I've already discussed my estrangement, but the loss that occurs during and the grief that is required is large and complex.
At first, I remember needing to grieve the childhood I never had. I allowed myself to cry for the love I wanted, the care I needed. I allowed myself to cry for warm smiles I never saw, embraces I never felt, and the words "you are safe" I never heard. I cried for "you are enough." I cried because I never heard "thank you for being you." I cried because I missed all these things I never had. As I write this, I cry.
But I didn't realize I would need to grieve so much more. I needed to grieve the loss of who I thought my mom was. I needed to grieve the loss of my siblings. I needed to grieve the loss of my perceptions of my siblings. I needed to grieve the loss of my extended family. I needed to grieve the loss of my childhood possessions. I needed grieve the loss of any joy I once had. I needed to grieve the loss of what I thought family was. I needed to grieve the loss of who I thought I was. I needed to grieve the loss of my time, my energy. I needed to grieve the loss of my whole childhood. A whole part of my life was gone, vanished.
And that was, and still is fucking hard. Grief sucks so much out of you and it takes a long time. But that is what I needed to do.
When I decided to denounce who I was and what my family represents, I decided to lose everything that was. It's a really hard thing to do, but I've done it.
The positive is that this grief is one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. Don't ask my why. Maybe this grief lets me know I am still living. It lets me know I once lived and I continue to live.
Loss is inevitable in life. Please make friends with it.
Comments