There was a mentality I had early on in my therapy that did not serve me well. I thought that if I could just heal, I'd be able to have a relationship with my mom and family.
I put so much work into healing that I thought I'd be able to handle going back home. I've talked about grief before. For those not familiar with grief, denial is part of it. This was part of my denial.
There came a point where I knew I was doing better. I knew I was understanding things better. So I decided to reach out to my mom. To be honest, most of it was a blur, but I know it didn't end well.
Throughout this time, during any conversation we had, I was very aware of all her nonsense. And I refused to let her make any false claims. But the thing is that she still found ways to live in lala land.
I won't go through all the details, but know it was retraumatizing. I thought I could handle her crazymaking, but I couldn't. I was left feeling defeated, scared, paranoid, and confused.
I experienced relapse and had to work again afterwards to re-establish boundaries. It was not fun. Denial's a bitch.
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