Particularly after having a large panic attack, something I hadn't ever experienced before, I realized I definitely needed help.
And I knew it needed to be catered towards my mind. I had never looked at therapists before, had never considered seeing one, nor did the word "therapist" ever cross my mind. But I knew I needed one.
The thoughts that pushed me in that direction most heavily had to do with my research on narcissism. Though I had never seen a therapist before, I had read up a lot on narcissism. My willingness to dive in started with me just not having a good relationship with my mother early on. As far as I could remember back, even before high school, I just didn't like my mom. I didn't like how she talked to me, how she treated me, how she managed certain things, how she treated others, and how she would talk to my dad. I was quite protective of him. He was so nice to me and others, why was she so mean to him?
But I never connected those thoughts and feelings with narcissism until the word was introduced to me by somebody else, and the more I looked into the word, the more it felt familiar. That was scary. I found a few books and read through them and one of my most eerie discoveries was a list of behaviors which indicates whether somebody is narcissistic.
Gaslighting
Projection
Nonsensical Conversations from Hell
Blanket Statements and Generalizations
Deliberately Misrepresenting
Nitpicking and Moving the Goal Posts
Changing the Subject to Avoid Accountability
Covert and Overt Threats
Name-calling
Destructive Conditioning
Smear Campaigns and Stalking
Love Bombing and Devaluation
Preemptive Defense
Triangulation
Bait and Feign Innocence
Boundary Testing and Hoovering
Aggressive Jabs Disguised as Jokes
Condescending Sarcasm and Patronizing Tone
Shaming
Control
I at one point went through this list and wrote out moments from my past when she exhibited each of these behaviors. It was hard, because she checked every single box and that immediately started to pull back the curtain. I wasn't ready for that.
Through this discovery, I started getting scared. Who is my mother, what is my mother, what has been going on in my life, what does this mean? I even had visions of her smiling at me with blacked out eyes. I also felt powerless. A lot of the literature talked about how narcissists will do anything to keep you in their life: they won't let you go. As I started to try and detach from my mother, I felt her grip tightening. It was suffocating, relentless. I couldn't escape.
So as all of this became too much to bear, I searched for help. I went on psychologytoday.com and looked for someone. Again, I had never done this before. What do I look for? All I could think of finding was someone who says they have experience with narcissism, someone who looks qualified and well educated, and someone who looked warm and welcoming.
Luckily, I did find someone who has all those things. I found my therapist. I thank the stars I did. I wasn't conscious of it at the time, but I needed him.
References:
Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse by Shahida Arabi
Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself by Shahida Arabi
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