Acceptance is hard. Part of why it is hard is because it requires understanding.
Understanding is connected to reality. A major part of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a disconnect from reality.
It took me understanding where that disconnect is to finally accept.
At the end of the day, NPD is rooted in insecurity, which is often rooted in trauma. The thing is, many things are rooted in insecurity and trauma. There are many disorders that are connected to the idea of trauma. So then why are they different? From what I've been able to gather, it's how we cope with the trauma that decides the path we take and the label psychologists have for us.
There are simple things like drug, alcohol, and work addiction that we can use to cope. There are others like dissociation, splitting of personalities, and codependence. They are all tools we have to help us handle situations that are hard for us to make sense of and we feel powerless towards.
But what distinguishes NPD from the rest is the use of a false self. Instead of addressing the true validity of messages like "you're worthless, you are nothing, you don't matter," which go against everything we want to believe about ourselves, some people create a false self.
Instead of acknowledging mistakes she's made, which she views as an attack on her ego (and that she cannot handle), she presents me with a false self. A false self that states she has been amazing as a mother and that I should consider myself lucky to have her. A false self that projects onto me the bad things she thinks she is. A false self that lies about the things she has said and done. A false self that accuses me of intentions I don't have. A false self that belittles me in order to make it look better. A false self that lives vicariously through me. A false self that takes credit for my accomplishments. A false self that seeks praise. A false self that looks to be the center of attention. A false self that cannot even admit there is a false self.
My mother is not a bad person. She is a broken person. And she found herself a tool that helps her survive in a world that she thinks hates her. This understanding does not justify her behavior, but it at least allows me to extend her compassion.
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