Before I entered therapy, I read Descartes' Error.
I was introduced to the book by its author, Antonio Damasio, who's talk I attended at USC. Intrigued by his discussion on the mind, from the perspective of a neural scientist, I bought some of his works to see what I could learn.
Immediately, I was intrigued by his focus on feelings and emotions. He talked about them as if they are an integral part of the human experience. So important, that we stamp events in our life with the emotions we experienced during. Through his works, I was also introduced to the idea of valence, which describes the extent to which we consider an emotion positive or negative.
These were novel concepts for me and they felt foreign. So foreign, that I asked my therapist whether any form of therapy encourages us to ignore our emotions. None of them do. This was important to me because I had also read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, which gave me a new way of looking at my mother. If she is emotionally immature, what is emotional maturity look like? This was new to me. Deep down, I knew I had many emotions, but I hadn't ever built a relationship with them. I had never learned how to express them, nor did I know what it felt like for them to be heard.
That's part of what made therapy feel so different. For the first time in my life, my feelings were being validated. *shit, why does this feel so comforting? what is this? my feelings aren't valid. they're bad. i'm wrong. i'm bad. i don't deserve this. but i need this. i can't let this go.*
I had been deprived of understanding, consideration, and acceptance for so long, that when they were finally introduced to me, I immediately realized how big of a hole I had had in my life. It was a gaping hole, desperate to be filled, desperate for attention. When I was made aware of it, it was freeing. It was liberating. It felt nice.
So I continued to explore emotions. It was new, but it opened up a lot.
References:
Descartes' Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain by Antonio Damasio
The Strange Order of Things by Antonio Damasio
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
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